Here it comes again. That big old slice of yours. You knew it would show it’s ugly self again. You just didn’t know when!

The story of your golf life continues. The agony of all agonies on the golf course. So instead of giving tips on how to stop slicing your golf ball like everybody else does, I want you to see what you’re up against. You know the old saying – “Know Your Friends, but Know Your Enemies Better”.

Well, I want you to get up close and personal with your number one enemy on the golf course. So I pulled some strings and asked the infamous and evil-minded Mr. Slice to write a guest column in this edition of Golf Improvement Weekly. This guy knows a lot about slicing the ball since that’s what he does for a living.

So as you read what he has to say, just imagine his voice. That arrogant and creepy voice that he uses to so his superiorty over your golf game. He knows he holds a lot of you hostage on the golf course – and he likes it that way.

So without further adieu – Ladies, Gentlemen and Monkeys – Meet Mr. Slice –

Why do I go into hibernation and allow you to enjoy golf for a few holes and then all of a sudden – BOOM! I’m baaacckk to haunt you till the 18th hole. I don’t care if you’re teeing up a Titleist or a Top Flite. I don’t care if you’re swinging a Taylor Made or a Callaway. I don’t discriminate. Come on – you can’t stop me with that Brush Tee! Oh, and that off set Driver – give me a break – it might help you straighten me out for a few swings, but just like all those other gimmicks that work for a little while, I will prevail!

Come on be realistic – how are you going to stop me. You think those articles in the Golf Magazines are my kryptonite? Give me a break! If those tips really did work, why would they have so many cover articles devoted to stopping me. Wouldn’t one article be enough?

Oh, and that so called inside to outside swing path that everybody is talking about – ha! All that’s going to do is make your club swing more to the right causing the ball to start farther to the right (for a right handed Golfer). So hey, if you want to keep working on swinging that way – don’t let me stand in your way – you’re just making my job easier.

My job? Have you forgotten so fast? My job is to frustrate you!

My job is to have you utter words you’d never think about saying in front of friends, colleagues, clients and family. My job is to make you get down on your hands and knees and beg the Golfing Gods to please stop the agony of having to watch your balls curve out of play or into the water.

My name? Keith, you got your guitar ready?

Well please allow me to introduce myself
I’m a golf shot of spin and waste
I’ve been around a long, long year
Stole many a Man’s golf swing and faith
And I was ’round when the Monkey
Had his moment of doubt and pain

Made damn sure that the Monkey
Tried to turn his hands and lose his fade
Pleased to meet you
Hope you guess my name

But what’s puzzling you
Is the nature of your game

Just call me Mr. Slice
’cause I’m in need of some spin restraint
So if you meet me
Have some courtesy
Have some sympathy, and some talent
Use all your well-learned golf lessons
Or I’ll lay your ball to waste, um yeah

How was that? The Rolling Stones have got nothing on me!

I’ve heard so many Monkeys come up with thousands of ways to stop me or convert me into a Draw. Hardly any of this advice on how to make your ball Draw has had any affect on me. Well, there are a few Monkeys that have taken this slice prevention advice to the extreme and are now a disciple of my close cousin – Mr Hook.

A weird chap that Mr. Hook. It seems as if the moment he snatches you – he makes you hit these incredible out of control, low, snapping shots that have no chance of staying in play after they hit the ground. I mean Mr. Hook makes the ball hit the ground and run a like a rabbit being chased by a hound right into the bush. It’s a sad, sad situation to have to watch if you’re the one who just hit the golf ball.

But, maybe that’s why Mr. Hook and Myself get along so pleasingly. Though we do have a difference in opinion on which direction we’re going to make your ball fly off towards. Yet, we’re in agreement that we both want to frustrate you. So sometimes, we work as a team.

Oh, can you imagine the havoc we can create when we put our heads together?

Don’t you remember that time on the golf course when I was giving you a really hard time that one day? I was particularly rough on you, making your ball go so far to the right, that you couldn’t believe it. But, by the 12th hole you started to get smart and started to play me. You started to understand that I was giving you a hard time, so you started aiming for me by aiming off to the left so that if I affected your ball with my poison that it would still land in play.

Ooohh! You got me so made that I text messaged Mr. Hook that I needed him in a hurry. He wrote back that he was working with a client and couldn’t be bothered. So, I texted him again that you’re starting to play me and that if you successfully play me, you’ll let everyone know it. And Mr. Hook knew that if they found out how to play me, they’d eventually learn how to play him also.

And that’s a risk he couldn’t take!

So he got to the golf course just in time to see you aim to the left and then start your backswing. Oh, that Mr. Hook really got you on that swing. Your ball went so far to the left, that you looked at everybody in your group and said – “Where did that come from?” Ahh, your face got so red with anger! I thought you were going to run after your ball, pick it up and eat it!

And then you proceeded to reach in your pocket for a Mulligan ball. This time you teed up the golf ball with doubt written all over your face. And now not knowing in which direction your ball is going to fly on your next tee shot, you aim down the middle. You stand over the ball for about 30 seconds debating all the doubt running through your brain. And as you’re about to swing, I text message my old friend – Mr. Pop-up. He’s a dear old friend – never lets me down when I need him to be here!

What, what did you say? Did you Golf Made Simple? Don’t you ever mention that name around me again? Someone needs to stop them! They’re ruining my business. It was so easy years ago. Then this Marc Solomon, Jacob Horsley, Hayden Lewis and Wataru Tomita stepped in. They’re ruining it for Mr. Hook, Mr. Pop-up and Myself. If you want to be my friend, the best thing for you to do is ignore these Gentlemen! They’re my enemies!

Let me put it to you this way – You can be my friend or you can be their friend. The choice is yours!

Sincerely,

Mr Slice – Your Nemesis For Life
Frustration Inc.
Golf Made Simple!